Support Systems

With pressures of any sort it is often easier to talk with someone outside the family. But it is important that a sympathetic person is sought and, regretfully, some members of the medical and religious bodies can be opposed to lesbians and gays. Even if your parents do not wish to contact Parents' organisations straight away, they may do so later.

There is a time, too, to stop talking. This usually comes naturally, often when everything has been said and perhaps repeated. At this point, let the subject go. Let a little ordinary life resume. This in itself will help. It is then best to let your parents bring up the subject if they choose to do so. Several things can happen at this point. Your parents may gradually accept the fact; they may want to talk about it at a later date, perhaps in a guarded way; or perhaps when they are less bewildered than previously. They may try to ignore what has happened, or, they may even, after a little while, pretend nothing has happened. Whatever occurs, remember they have had an immense shock.

The time people take to absorb shock varies with every individual. Be aware of your parents need for this thinking time of their own, but if, after this, it seems that what you have said is being ignored or forgotten, talk to them again using the knowledge and experience you gained the first time. If this does not work, or seems impossible, it is time to get help from outside. Remember that you have access and support to advice from the many Lesbian and Gay Switchboards listed in the telephone directory, and also the lesbian and gay advisory organisations that exist. Contact them and explain your dilemma.

Even when things turn out well, parents sometimes feel a delayed shock later on. They, like anyone else, can find that something they have accepted in their minds is difficult to fully accept in their hearts. Here again, if you realise what is happening, it will be easier to cope with.

If you have thought along the lines suggested in this booklet and understand that your parents cannot come around overnight, it is reasonable to say to them that you have been honest with them, that you have tried to live your life in a way that respects your family, and, as they tried so hard to understand, why let all this go to waste now? It is better, surely, to talk things over again, particularly as it was helpful the first time.