Safe Sex

AIDS is almost certain to be a major worry with your parents, and, indeed, it should be a matter of deep concern to you to ensure that you practice safe sex with your partner at all times. This, of course, applies just as much to heterosexual as well as to homosexual activity. HIV (Human Immunodeficiency Virus) is a viral infection that can lead to the development of AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome).

The commonest cause of infection is by unprotected sex with

an infected partner (who may be completely unaware that she/he is infected). It is passed on when blood, semen, or vaginal fluids are exchanged during intercourse, or by using shared needles in intravenous drug injection. Rarely, it can result from blood transfusions where the donor blood has not been properly screened, but this is unusual in the UK.

The only real safeguard is to ensure that in all sexual acts, which involve vaginal, oral, or anal intercourse, a protective sheath (condom) is used to prevent actual unprotected contact. If using lubrication, a non-oil based "KY" type must be used; oil, Vaseline, baby oil and similar products will break down the latex sheath. So, make sure for the sake of yourself and your partner that, at all times, you use a sheath in any act of intercourse. Also, be able to reassure your parents of your continued intention to use "safe sex" methods (as, indeed should your heterosexual brothers and sisters). Lesbians also need to be aware and take care.

Thus, it is best that you are as confident, and, indeed, as happy about yourself as possible, before talking to your parents.

This can be very difficult if, for you, being happy about being lesbian/gay depends upon your parents accepting the fact. If that is indeed the case for you, you may need the advice of a sympathetic counsellor, but be sure that you approach one who can accept lesbian/gay attitudes.

For others, the confidence needed to approach their parents can come from several sources: from joining a lesbian/gay youth group or a social group if you are older; from having lesbian/gay friends or pen pals who may be in the same situation; or perhaps, from talking to parents who already accept their lesbian/gay offspring; or from getting to know a family where one or more of the children are accepted as being lesbian/gay. It is for you to decide which of these will give you the confidence to approach your parents. Who to tell?

Meanwhile, you can start by making a positive decision. Do you want to tell both your parents at this stage, or only one? Most of us find it easier to talk to one parent rather than the other when something is bothering us. It might also be that one of your parents could not accept the fact at this moment, or that, for them, the news might come better from the parent you have talked to. Decide what is right in your particular family.

Decide, too, if there is a relative or family friend it would be better to talk to first, either for advice about how to tell your parents, or for help in telling them. By making these decisions, you are already starting to bring under control what has until now, been nothing but a problem.

Sons and daughters frequently try to get a guide by watching their parents' reactions to, say, a TV soap , play or documentary that features homosexuality; or hearing their response to media news; or perhaps by noting how they get on with someone known to be lesbian/gay.

This is not a true guide. Parents might say "Look at those queers", not dreaming for a moment that this could mean you. Similarly, accepting someone as lesbian/gay in the next street or at work is not the same as accepting your own child as lesbian/gay. Usually, it is most helpful to think of your relationship with your parents and what happened when other things have been difficult for you.