No Choice

Usually there three things parents find particularly difficult to understand about homosexuality. The first is choice. Many believe this is something you have chosen to do, or have been persuaded into by someone already homosexual. Try to point out how unlikely this is. Adolescence is difficult anyway. Someone who thinks they are lesbian/gay has had to face the thought of rejection by their friends as well as parents; scorn, or worse, from those they mix with day by day; isolation; immense difficulty in finding other lesbian/gay people and, maybe even aggression. Would you have taken on these pressures if you did not have to? It is most unlikely. Emphasise that you do not choose to be lesbian/gay. It might be helpful for your parents to read our booklet "A Guide for Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays". Ask them to consider it before discussing further. Say how much their love, acceptance and support will mean to you as encounters and problems are faced.

You may hear your parents express the fear that you are under the sexual influence of another person. Agree that it is true that some people can so respond, but it will only be lasting if this reaction is natural to them. Point out that heterosexuals, too, are subject to similar reactions in their relationships, and can also be unwise. This leads on to the second thing that most parents find very difficult. Often, from memories of their own childhood, parents will ask about a "homosexual phase" when someone has fantasies about, a "crush" on, or sex with, one or more people of their own sex before settling down into a heterosexual (male-female) relationship. Parents call this a passing phase of homosexuality. This has nothing to do with homosexuality, but is just an experiment with sex that could have happened with almost anyone around at the time, male or female, and is usually forgotten very quickly. When young people hero-worship someone of their own sex to the point of wanting sex with them, this, too, is very different from homosexuality. If the fantasies were to come true, most people, unless they were in fact lesbian/gay, would actually find it totally unsatisfactory and would not pursue it.