An open letter to concerned parents:

Dear Mr & Mrs Smith,

I understand that your daughter Jane has just told you that she is lesbian. I am a mother too and I think I can understand how you are both feeling just now. I expect that you are both confused and finding that you know next to nothing about the subject. Homosexuality has been such a hidden and taboo subject that most heterosexual parents find themselves in the same predicament.

We have our heads so full of misinformation and stereotypes carefully taught to us over many years of living in a highly prejudiced society. A society that is strongly influenced by ancient religious ideas, and it is a long journey to begin to understand.

It has taken all Jane's courage and trust in you to finally tell you the truth about the person she really is. Your daughter has not chosen to feel this way, she just grew up gradually realising that she was different as her sexuality developed. Pretty much like you and I did, only we happened to fancy the opposite sex. Adolescence is such a difficult time anyway and Jane has had to face the added fear of rejection by friends as well as parents and family, perhaps even scorn and abuse from those she has grown up with. She has come through all of this and has been brave and honest to tell you, the people closest to her and most important in her life.

You might be blaming yourselves but there really is no need. Homosexuality is something that happens in millions of families, families just like yours and mine. There is nothing you have done or failed to do which has made your daughter lesbian. Parents organisations like Fflag are in a unique position to detect any common factor when a child is gay and there isn't one! We have met up with every conceivable kind of family over the years and all the stereotypes have crumbled away. There is little logic in explanations commonly offered for the existence of lesbian, gay and bisexual people.

I am sure that you have had many hopes and dreams for Jane, dreams you have held close to your hearts since the day she was born, and that now they seem to have disappeared. I am certain that you will be just as proud of your lesbian daughter once you are more familiar with her lifestyle. She is exactly the same person she always was, it is her middle-aged parents who are now having to open their minds and hearts and do some changing - that's the painful bit. But it is so worthwhile to understand, to be part of her life, her ups and downs, her hopes and dreams - in short just to be there for her.

Jane has paid you the compliment of trusting you with her innermost feelings and now it is your turn to give her your unconditional love and support, and to let her know that your feelings for her have not changed. There is still terrible homophobia in the world and Jane needs to know that she won't find it in her home and family.

I am sure that like all parents you want to protect her from all the hurt and harm that courageous people attract; a loving and supportive family is the best thing she can have as she goes forward confidently in her life. Parents like us often hear a lot of negative ideas about what it means to be gay, but there just as many positives and on your journey of discovery you will find them. There are so many fallacious ideas about homosexuality that it would take a lot more than this letter to refute them all, but it is true to say that our lesbian and gay daughters and sons suffer a great deal from the misinformed prejudice that our society engenders. Some do not have the support of loving families and this can lead to sad and lonely lives - not what you want for Jane.

In our family we were worried at first that our gay son would lead a miserable life, but we were so ignorant at the time, both about the number of lesbians and gay men that there are, and about the quality of their lives.

We are so glad now that we were given the opportunity to learn and grow. We might have remained in ignorance of a large and important minority group in our society and been so much the poorer for failing to understand what a wealth of human love, in its many guises, exists on this planet.

Maybe you would like to think about contacting Fflag and meeting other parents who have been where you are now. You could talk with us on our helplines (presently 50 parents are listed in the UK) as often and for as long as you like. We would understand just how you are feeling. There are also a number of groups which meet regularly in the U.K in various towns, and we send out useful literature. If you want to know what other parents are doing, you could order our quarterly newsletter - Fflag News.

I do hope that my letter helps a little and that your feelings of confusion and isolation will soon dissipate. Sit down with Jane and talk, she wants you to understand and to be able to stay close to you. So remember, it's not that she has changed, simply that now you know her better.

Kindest regards,

Brenda Oakes.