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Help "I have just found out my 18 year old son is gay, he is the youngest of my three children, his mother left us four years ago, I have always done all I could for my kids, and class myself as a good father, now I feel I’ve let my son down in some way, I’ve told him that I will support him, and I will always love and be there when he needs me but deep down I feel terrible, is this normal? I come from an old fashioned Catholic family, and I know they think the world of my son, just now, I feel so down." The email above was received by FFLAG recently. I forwarded the email to Sue and Paul the FFLAG volunteers with personal experience of Catholicism and gay children. Below is their response. Like you, my husband and I have three sons, two of our sons are gay. Paul and I practice our faith as Catholics and like you we have shared every emotion possible regarding our gay sons. Let me tell you straight away that everything you are feeling at the moment is quite normal. You have been told something that has shocked you, probably from a little bit of fear for the future for your son and how people will treat him. I hope your son is fine about his sexuality, our two boys are and I think that part of them being fine is that we have never doubted them and always loved them unconditionally, just as you are doing. Sexuality and the Church have never been good bedfellows (excuse the pun) and I doubt if they ever will be completely but things are progressing slowly. There is an organisation in London, The Lesbian and Gay Christian Movement which is trying to work with the Churches on behalf of LGB people and although the journey is hard they keep trying. Paul and I have never questioned our son’s sexuality we have just accepted it because we believe our boys were born with the sexuality they have and we do not judge them. Both of them have left the Church because they do not feel welcome which I can understand but Paul and I both believe in a God that welcomes all, no matter what their sexuality. Some of what people in the Church say can be hurtful but we have learned to put it in context with our daily lives. You say in your email that you feel you have let your son down. Why do you feel that way? Is that what your son thinks? Don't be too hard on yourself as long as your son knows you love him and will always help him you have not let him down. We have spoken to some parents who have disowned their children or made their lives unbearable because they cannot accept their sexuality. You do not sound as if you would do that. It can be frightening for gay children to realise their sexuality with all the difficulties it can bring and having a loving supportive parent is important for them to accept themselves for what they are, normal people. Only one small part of their lives is different, they love people of the same sex. Everything else is the same as for you and I. What you are feeling now may be what you son has been feeling for a long time. Paul and I have a telephone helpline so if you want to have a talk please ring 01642 465020 on an evening. If I am not around you can ring another time. Can you talk to your son about how you are feeling, it might help you both. There is a lot to learn about gay issues and a lot to understand about their lives in today’s society. Let yourself learn about these things, the more you understand the better it will be for you all. You mention in your email that you have a loving supportive family around you, is there anyone you can confide in that you feel you can trust at this point? I hope so, if not we are always here for you. When we told family and friends about our sons we got lots of love and understanding, but it was scary at times. There will always be someone who is negative but you learn to cope with them after a while. They are mostly people who are misinformed or who only see dogmatic faith. Times are changing and for the better so hang in there and just keep loving your son. Hope to here from you again soon God Bless Sue |